screaming memories

you can't stop it.

your body is rigid.

your muscles scream at every bone and tendon telling you to move.

you shake, and shake.

you lose your mind.

there is nothing to hold onto,

nothing to keep you from losing your sanity.

your mind is wrapped around nothing,

nothing but the world colliding in towards you.

forever never happened?

i miss the way we use to laugh.

i miss our insider jokes, "bocaj"

i miss your cheesiness.

i miss laughing at you and with you.

i miss confiding in you.

i miss being yours.

i miss our simple conversations.

i miss... you.

shadows are lost;

my heart hurts. it feels like its been grinded into sand then shoved into the ocean. my heart has been turned into dust and is forever roaming in the ocean. i'm drowning in the depths of despair. and there is no line at the horizon.

a simple pain does nothing

i'm back.

and not better than ever.

bleeding eyes stare me down

therapy is very...catharsis.

the quivering liquids in your stomach will eat away at the bad habits that have made you.

my computer refuses to let me upload an image onto here.

so, imagine this:

you're face is in black and white, you're lips are sewn together with black ivy, and you can feel the pull of the ivy holding your lips in place.you can't even breathe through you're mouth.

my life. is a living hell.

invisible me

i have no picture to describe this feeling.
i was lead on. he kissed me. said he liked me, flirted with me,
then threw me in the trash.
i wanna scream in rage, i wanna cry in hurt.
i was used.

you have no soul

you don't fake you're death.

thats sick.

I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU, but i really want to rip you into pieces for hurting everyone like that.

i've lost too many people in my life, and the pain rips you apart.

sick bastard.

our voices are hushed

i have this recurring nightmare.

i'm talking to someone. an awkward silence comes on.

it lasts forever.

i struggle to find the words, and when i do find words,

i am physically inable to move my mouth.

so we sit there and stare at each other.

it's terrifying.

your dying eyes

i feel nothing anymore. these last few days, i've felt nothing. i haven't felt happy, or sad, or angry, or anxious. i've felt nothing.

i am numb.

may i fall upon a bed of rocks?

you know this season of degrassi? eli and clare's break-up?

it reminds me of us. me being the obsessive one with so many problems and hurting over you, not getting over you. of me trying to convince myself that i hate you and going to extreme measures to get you out of my mind.

i feel for you eli. i know you're pain all too well.

i cast no shadow for i have no soul

you're no good. you're a backstabber. you're untrustworthy. you don't deserve anything.

who am i kidding?

you were the best person i ever knew, and you deserve everything.

withered souls

i will always be that one friend you never really know. i'm that one friend you don't have any memorable memories with or any insiders. i'm the friend that's hardly really a friend. i'm the third wheel of our friendship.

i'm that friend that is left out and can't connect with anyone.

my love for you resides with you,

i think it's time i accept the fact that you are perfectly happy without me, that you never loved me, that you lied to me, and that you simply...hate me.

i know it now, but i still want to deny it.

the memories are consuming,

"All emotional pain only lasts for 12 minutes. After that, is is self-inflicted."
that's a load of crap.
Unless you can somehow tell me WHY i'm making myself suffer?

you're a failure played in stereo.

don't, EVER joke about rape. never. it's not something that should be taken lightly. especially when it has such disastrous results.

the footprints between us are too frozen,

you see that angel in the picture? you see it stuck there on that ladder, not being able to go any higher? you see it confined in that room with no space to air its wings? you see it looking down at the ground, because the only thing above it is a ceiling stopping it. you see the balls on the floor waiting to make the angel fall? do you see the angel?

that's me.

do you feel that? i don't...not anymore.

[ insert picture that expresses something of how i feel here. ]

i hate life.

this life is not long enough;

i have no motivation in my life.

nothing to look forward to.

september will never end;

2 DAYS.

2 DAYS until i cry hard.

2 DAYS until i lose 95% of my mind.

2 DAYS until my generation officially ends.

2 DAYS until Harry Potter comes out.

the monster withholds;

im 17. i dont want to be here. i dont want to graduate this year. i dont want to grow up. i dont want to accept responsibility. i cant handle it. i am not to be trusted with things as tender as dreams. i'll dissapoint, i'll hurt, i'll be a failure.

i can't grow up, i'll only hurt everyone.

my soul's on the other side,

i need motivation.
i need reasoning.
i need to know why i'm waking up and tearing myself throughout the day just to have the pain repeated again.
i need to know why i keep up with the world's crap.
i need to know how i can possibly keep up this "nice girl" facade.
when really, my heart is as cold as ice.

shattered mirrors, shattered souls.

i'm sick. and forever will i be sick. forever will i be fighting this illness. forever will i be fighting the purest of evil- depression.

silk curtains towering over my head,

i'll just take one celexa.

and then another.

and then another.

until i feel something other than this wreched misery.

blades of pain, razors of misery

you love me? ha, how many of your last three girlfriends have heard that? you don't know what love is you pathetic scumbag.

designs are for the bold, style for the dead.

so, maybe i finally have a little crush on someone. so, maybe i'm just like a sister to him. it's okay. i'm still hurting over your heartbreak.

veins frozen around your eyes,

who was i kidding? that i could actually grab happiness and hold it in my hand forever? it always gets away...always.

trampling over death by death.

i went to camp this week.

guess who accepted the call to overseas missions?

i did...

guess who's TERRIFIED of planes and is really shy?

i am.

but, i gotta do it.

www.facebook.com/crossingscamps

my forever roams in your hands.

you triggered me.

you put the gun in my hand and took off the safety, you put the pills in my mouth, you tied the rope around my tree.

you triggered me.

sunless nightmares.

i don't wanna grow up, i wanna be a toys r' us kid!

theres more to the world than earth.

maybe i can get through this...

im in love.

your smile invades my depression.

why do you expect this out of me? you know i hurt on a daily basis, dad. and you push buttons. you push unnessecary buttons that you know hurt me. i'm just trying to be...alive.

is that too hard to get?

at the horizon line is where the angels sleep.

apparently im too fat and too lazy to do anything. apparently all i want to do is eat, sleep, and get on the computer.

SO SORRY, dad. SO SORRY i'm just trying to not waste away in misery. SO SORRY for not being the perfect child. SO SORRY for trying to live instead of trying to kill myself again. SO SORRY im not allowed out after dark, SO SORRY i prefer to be alone.

im so fucking sorry, okay?

im holding my breath.

mason: how did you handle mufasa's death?

me: MUFASA'S DEAD?! D":

mufasa, he lives in me.

late night snacking.

i could seriously go for some taco bell right now.

its not like i think about you constantly,

i've been in bed. all day. crying.

and its all your fault.

your smile invades my soul.

but, damn, does it feel good for just a little bit.
but, oh, j.k. rowling - you are heaven sent.

a love like this will never truly die.

i fucking miss you.

saw your eyes today in a memory painted in the sky.

i fell asleep last night crying. fell asleep grasping for your arms, and searching for air to creep my lungs.

i fell asleep last night ALONE. again. even though my sister was right on the other side of me. i fell asleep missing you.

god, do i miss you.

the light can only go so far until it creates shadows.

i am nothing.

i am worthless.

i am hurting.

i am worry.

i am sick.

i am a murderer.

i am depression.

i am fire.

i am consuming.

i am crying.

i am screaming.

help.

swallow the sun.

hey smile, go away.

my parents find you annoying.

is it so bad that, for once, im TRULY happy?

and that no one wants to hang around me because its an annoyance?

feel the heat dig through your bone.

im addicted to the following:

family force five.

family force five.

family force five.

family force five.

family force five.

OH, and

chocolate.

my life is wasting, while your eyes are fading.

hello, smile.
i missed you. <3

swirling and spinning and looking all over.

trying to find the right quote to describe how i miss you,

is like trying to find the happy things when everyone and everything is dead.

unhealthy glances.

cuz i swear,
my world is falling apart.
and i can't save it,
so,
i'm just going to help destroy it.

you look like a sunset to me,

"forever, right?"

"i wouldn't have it any other way. =]"

bull.

grab the past by the hand and scream until it leaves.

im a senior now.
i dont want to grow up.
not yet.
excuse me, life?
could you please just...
slow down?

i'm not ready for this yet.

wake up.

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

what if i was REALLY able to let go and not beg for them back with no reply?

i'm clinging on the slight hope that you will come back.

oh mind, just leave me here alone with myself. i dont know where your taking me and i dont like the road along. just go by yourself. i'll wait here until you come back.

hush darling.

crescendo by becca fitzpatrick.

if one of my questions doesn't get answered in the next three pages, i'm going to throw this book at a wall. it has me on an emotional rollercoaster with nora's life. (the main character)

this book will be the death of me.

but it's the best book i've ever read.

UGH.

these tears punish my soul.

how the hell do you expect me to live like this?

without YOU?

god, i love you.

but god, do i miss you.

until then..i survive.

her ghost.

dear sun,

i've missed you.

dear happiness,

i still miss you.

dear me,

come back.

sincerely,

kayla.

go away.

this blog...has become my diary.

why won't you just talk to me?

please.

i love my friends. but i cant open up to them. there is just too much there.

i'd scare them away.

i feel like screaming until no sound comes out. i feel like crying until im out of tears. i feel like curling up in a ball and letting nature waste me away. i feel like...i feel empty.

empty.